Wow, look at this pittiful ass blog. She certainly is no http://nomilk.blogspot.com, that guy's blog makes me happy in the ole' happy no no down there place. Ummmm well the non- sexual version of the ole' happy no no down there place.... Anyways, I really am thinking about starting to keep up this thing or simply start another one. As I slowly wake up from this 5.6.7 year coma'esq period of pain/suffering/sorrow/self pity/pain/deep dark hole depression/hermit-ness/pain/did I mention self pity. Its time to start taking part of life again. Seeing how I only have one. I have been so low for so long, 90% health and the rest just giving up and letting it consume me whole, that I really dont know where to start. But I do know this, well I have a strong theory, that if I somehow get back that 10%, if I fight, if I push, maybe I can push thru another 2% or 4 % or well, ya get the idea. I am basically tired of being sick and tired. 2 things I have not much affect over if any at all, but what little affect I may posses, hell, I let the sickness and sadness and tiredness have that as well. The saddness, pain, lethergy, and anger as it pertains to my health problems CONSUME MY EVERY WAKING MOMENT. I can not have a thought about anything, virtually anything w/o it being tainted by it all. My life revolves around if I have enough sleep and/or pain meds to keep from being in the writhing maddening pain and soreness I know all to well. When it comes to the issue of meds, just the stigma alone of dealing with the HMO/Health care industry (thats what it is a F-ing big/cold industry) and dealing with people's perception in private life and work life, of you when pain meds are such a big part of what one needs to move/do/be/survive. The looks, the complete lack of understanding or attempt to understand. I think on this level, the "look" of sick v/s the "look" of not sick. If Fibro's pain showed itself on the outside of the body the way it feels inside, muscles and sinew would swell and split thru the skin burn and bleed for them to see. There would be a "visable" fog around you. The buick you feel parked on your neck and various other body parts would be visable. It would be less "worriesome" for the general masses to see you take your prescribed meds then, me thinks... Far fewer side glances when that big bottle comes out of your purse or bag or pocket... Wow this is getting all rambly, I used to look at others blogs/journals and say, " man thats so self abosrobed, just to sit there everyday or so and write endlessly about this that and the other thing." Well, I still think that can be true, but dammit, this feels pretty healthy. If Im gonna try and take any of my life back from this shit, Im gonna need to get it out, get my rant on!! SCREAM TO THE RAFTERS -UMMM or something like that. I figure ive been self abosrobed in misery for the past how-many-years, so a little self absorbtion in trying to get a little bit of my life back, can't be too bad. I feel like I used to have so much inside. So much love/art/beauty/truth/kindness/sensuality. I haven't had anything even remotely looking like sexuality come from inside this aching black hole of a body and mind for so terribly long, that the last time a Woman flirted with me, it took her a couple good throws before I even caught it, and then I could barely remember what one does when one is flirted with. Ahhh and as for the loose ends and little things and the big things, and the really fucking big things that you put off and/or dont deal with when trying to hide from life. So many loose ends. Personal ones, financial ones, work ones. It all seems so fucking huge!!!! from the over due bill/s, to the shots the cat needs, the dog's "old lady pills" (we call her vitamins and joint therapy pills that), to the ex-girlfriend you've been meaning to actually have the "ex" talk with for about a year, to the GYN check up you needed 2 years ago, to doing the "pill count" to make sure you are gonna have enough left till its refill due time, to cleaning the bedroom its taken 2 months to get it to look like a person lives there v/s a crazy horder bag lady person. All the materials for the crafts I want/ed to make. research on the zine I want/ed to publish. poster boards for the yard sale I want/ed to have. A little sweet old guitar from Good-Will I want/ed to learn how to play, again (x3) wheeeeew!!!!!!!!!!! Look at all that bitchin!!!!! WOW, felt good to get some of it out. I WANT MY LIFE BACK! AND IM GONNA FUCKING TAKE IT BACK.....LIKE A BANK ROBBER...GIVE ME THE LIFE AND NO ONE GETS HURT.....anymore.... Thats where I am..... Kicking names and taking ass..... Yeah, like that Y'all.... D.