A Journey, or something like it.....

Ahhh here we go, I knew at some point Id actually get to the point of this whole blog/journal thing. Once I go beyond the fear of rampant self absorption, that you often see in these things, I'm finally here.... Well lets see, Deladis is not my real name but one I like a whole lot. I am fat dykey chick/grrl/woman/womyn in my later/ish 20's, that loves my dog to pieces, and enjoys all things artsy fartsy. Everything that has happened up to now, has been the vehicle that brings me to this point, the point where the actual journey begins. My life hasn't been the worst in the history of the living being, no holocaust no plague. Mind you its been pretty ruff. Currently, I am dealing with (some days) a pretty large grab bag of illnesses. Highlighting my days with pain, anger, sadness, and grief are my not so good friends, Fibromyalgia, Diabetes, Spondylosis, TMJ, sleep Apnea, numerous bulging discs, spinal issues and the thing that gives them all a big helping hand, morbid (gotta love that word) obesity. Now, in a nut shell, various symptoms and associated woes, that all these things comes with, the sum of all would be simply "life thief" My life, or what it could be and at times has had the opportunity to be, has been bit by bit, ounce by ounce, moment by moment, stolen from me. Am I bitter, yes. Am I angry, yes. Do I pity myself, yes, but on good days, I push thru it all. I make it so I can go to work, go to the store, and get a few things done around the house. This is all I do. I have absolutely, no resemblance of a personal life. I live, move, and wake up another day on little more than hope and pain medication, that works, when it feels like it and is never enough, that is both the hope and the pain meds. I luckily have a good support system. A Mother, not given the tools by her own mother, for affection or emotional support, still manages to be the strongest, caring person I know, and the most, there-for-me, a person could possibly be. A Mother that is frustrated and tired in her own right, for all she has to handle. As the understatement of the century, our roles, should not be as they are. A daughter, in my case that never feels like anything I do is right or enough, simply because it isn't. All I ever desperately want is her affection and any and all kind words she would/could share with me. I can see how, circumstances present, those words and hugs are hard to muster. My life, my mere existence is hard to stomach and even harder to keep my proverbial chin up about, for all those close enough to have their hands sullied by it. I have friends. Have had lovers. Neither of which get close enough to deal with or have too much knowledge of my problems/issues. Some have came very close. A friend that I love dearly and hold as close to my heart/soul as anyone, who's not my Mom, I ever have, a friend of whom's new/only grandchild, I learn about thru pictures and stories. A closeness that survives on short talks, meaningful glances, and goodbye hugs. I miss her, I see her everyday at work, yet I miss her deeply. An ex lover I care for/love that I don't know how to share with and become annoyed to easily with, because she hasn't the capacity to understand. So many people that want in, that only get so far. For as much as I need human comfort, just as much, I want to push it all away, because they don't understand. They can't. I envy them, their healthy bodies, there clear, calm minds, their lives. I envy peoples petty problems. I only find solace and understanding in pain. I understand very little else. But now I am at a proverbial cross roads, something is about to happen that will hopefully give me a chance. A tool to help build a new life. A helping hand. I've decided to take it. And I'm really scared. Ofcourse, I'm really scared to stay the way I am.